Jimi Hendrix in the making

For the past 2 weeks or so I have been really busy with my guitar classes. It was my childhood dream to learn Banjo Eli, but I can settle with a guitar. I’m really proud of my guitar, since that’s what people do with it when they don’t know how to play. Here’s a picture of it, for all of you to drool and then drown in it . . . ; - )

Camera Smitten

I haven't been blogging for the past 20 days. The reason being my darn camera. I'm too addicted
to it. My obsession with photography can be seen from the fact that in the past 2 months,
I have taken 800 odd snaps. Finally I have decided to make my photography public. I have started a photo blog named SnapShots2097. Another pal of mine who is also currently suffering from the
same disease is vivek.

The finer things in life

In today’s hectic and machanised world we are so busy to get along with our routines that we forget to appreciate the finer things of life. These inner incidents which happen with everyone are humorous in more ways than one. It’ just that they occur so frequently to us that we forget to appreciate them. Let me take the opportunity to bring light to a few of these –

· Has it ever happened to you that you keep looking at your watch and still don’t know what time it is. You look at it again and still don’t know that time. If someone asks you the time at this moment, you just go blank before saying “ I don’t know !! ”.

· Sometimes it’s Tuesday and all day long you keep thinking it’s Wednesday. You cannot believe it that you are wrong and when you wake up the next day you are right all over again.
· Sometimes in your home as you go from one room to the other and as you enter the room you forget why you were there in the first place. At such moments 2 words float across your mind ‘ Alzheimer’s Disease ‘.

· Has it ever happened that you were talking to yourself when suddenly someone comes into the room and you have to make them believe that you were singing.

· Sometimes when you are sitting in a train and there is a train adjacent to yours, one train starts moving and you were not able to say which one of them is moving. Someone asks,” which one is moving ? “ . you say,” I guess that train . holy shit I can’t believe it. It’s our train that is moving”.

· When you are about to pick up a suitcase, has it ever happened to you that you thought it was full but actually it’s empty. During that split second you fell more powerful then you ever thought you could be.

· When you go to a park you see a chain fence. While running ( or moving ) when you look at the chain fence it appears to you that there was no fence at all. You go something like,” My god, where did the fence go?? I could bet it was right here”. It is what I would call ‘ The Chain-Fence mystery ‘.

· Sometimes you see dirt on some known acquaintance’s face and you try to point it to them so that they can clean it. Somehow they never seem to locate the right spot.

· In shopping malls where there are plenty of fluorescent bulbs and by chance you see yourself in the mirror. What you observe is indescribable. You could see your ugliest self emerge from nowhere. All the pimples, scars, acnes, spots, black heads, skin infections that you have ever had from childhood seem to come out at the same time.

· Sometimes you suffer from a bad cold ( everyone does ). You wake up in the morning and while brushing your teeth you sense a sneeze coming. And you don’t know what to do. Reluctantly you eat up the sneeze and hope you haven’t swallowed the froth along with it.

· When you are climbing the stairs, all confident and debonair. You suddenly stumble at the top. You thought there was another step but there isn’t. At such peril times when embarrassment stares you in the face you got to make believe the people around that what just happened is a habit of yours and that you do it all the time.

· Similarly when climbing down the staircase you stumble over and you could bet your life in the fact that there was another step their. Physically you feel your hips are in your chest but you cannot show such feelings. You wear a sheepish smile around your face as if to suggest that such things always happen.

· On a real hot day when you are licking on a cone of ice-cream you develop a frozen spot on the inside of the throat. It’s really irritating because you feel a tickling sensation and at the same time you can’t reach at that spot. After som time you feel alright and then what do you do? Eat more ice-cream.

· Some times when you fall asleep in the afternoon and wake up late in the night you are nonplussed as to whether it’s day or early morning. Sometimes you also forget what day it is. It’s what is called the advanced stages of Syphilis.

· When you are sleeping on a bed and your pillow falls down. When you look at it with one eye closed you fell as if the pillow was right in front of you. You could bet on that. But when you see with both eyes you see it ‘move’ down. It’s what I call the mystery of the moving pillow. I personally think this mystery is linked with ‘ The mystery of the Rail Fence ‘.

· Sometimes when you are pissing and you realize a sneeze is about to surface. You don’t know what to do. It is at these times that I appreciate the amazing complexity of the brain. It decides for me. It immediately instructs me to stop pissing and when you finish the sneeze you resume your uncompleted work again. The brain knows that if you do both the things at the same time you’ll blow your ass out !!

There are many more but I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to hint at. This article was to enlighten you and to encourage you to appreciate the finer things in life.

Software Bandwagon

The other day I and my friend vikraman were perambulating near our college. Suddenly we saw this lorry full of bi-pedal, vertebrate creatures. We couldn’t help but drift our thoughts to the ongoing rush in the software field i.e. ‘ Software Bandwagon ‘.

A Sequeal to Euphemisms

Man these Euphemisms are getting to me !! here’s another one in this genre. The first one was a general one, but this deals with the pathetic euphemisms used to describe the conditions of soldiers. They do so much to protect our country and to give self-esteem and honor to a country and we repay them by these insults. To give you a snippet, a soldier who has been in war for a considerable period of time leads to frustration, anxiety, psychological disorders. Basically it’s a state where the soldier snaps his nerves and goes nuts ( it’s something like trying to run and shit at the same time ). They go miles away from sanity.

This particular condition was called ‘ Shell-shock ‘ during the first world war. Simple and clear. Only 2 syllables long and easy to pronounce. It describes the state of a soldier perfectly and at the same time doesn’t hurt his feelings.

As time passed, during the second world war Shell-shock changed to ‘ Battle Fatigue ‘. This is 4 syllables long. Not as clear as the previous one and makes it more soft and less severe.

In and around 1950’s Battle Fatigue was upgraded to ‘ Operational Exhaustion ‘. Doesn’t it sound like something in relation to a car, Operational exhaustion!! It now became 8 syllables long.

Now this particular state which the soldiers suffer is called ‘ Post-traumatic Stress Disorder ‘. It’s still 8 syllables but it hardly focuses on the problems the soldiers face. It’s stressful enough to pronounce this word !!

Euphemisms

Over the last 100 years English language has undergone major transition in the way it’s expressed. We no longer seem to put things in the straight way, the round about route is preferred. Moreover it is associated to be a behavioral trait i.e. if one uses more euphemisms in his language he’s said to be urbane and polished and the rest are all brutes. These euphemisms are tricky things, they ought to be handled well. Personally euphemisms take the life out of the language. In the moral world we live in, euphemisms would be charged of murder of first degree. Here are some which are so frequently used by us – ( right – the word, left – euphemism )

Fat person – horizontally challenged
Handicapped – Physical disability / Physically challenged
Short man – Vertically challenged
Blindness – visual impairment
Old persons – senior citizens
Exercise – physical training
Cooking – appropriate preparedness of the amino acids, carbohydrates, minerals & vitamins to be physically consumed
Running et al – track events
Death – to pass away / to leave us / expire
Toilet paper – bathroom tissue
Sneakers – running shoes
False teeth – dental appliances
Medicines – medication
Information – directory assistance
Dumping area – landfill
Car crashes – automobile accidents
Partly cloudy – partly sunny
Motels – motor lodges
House trailers – mobile homes
Used cars – previously owned transportation
Room service – guest room dining
Constipation – occasional irregularity
Hospital – health maintenance organization / wellness centre
Doctor – health care professional
Slums – illegally occupied, economically disadvantaged city areas
Killing – depopulation / nutralising
To lie – dis-information
Murderers – commandos / crime fighters
Nuclear radiation – sun shine units
Terrorists – freedom fighters
Fire men – fire fighters
Cripples – people in need of special assistance / differently abled
Deaf – hearing impaired
Stupid people – learning disorder / minimally exceptional
Ugly people – people with severe appearance deficits

All these euphemisms are so make belief that it takes people into another world where they feel that the problems they are dealing with are not so bad after all. It makes them fell less concerned with the issues at hand. Things are getting so bad that soon a rape victim would be called as ‘ an unwilling sperm recipient ‘ and a rapist as ‘ a willing sperm donor ‘.

Rape victim – unwilling sperm recipient
Rapist – willing sperm donor

To continue . . .

90 years old – 90 years young
old – older
malpractice – experimental misadventure

This brutal distortion of language makes me want to vomit or should I say ' to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill ' .

Headlines Galore

It’s been my practice for the past 3 months to just glance over the headlines. The content can be guessed to a certain degree of accuracy. The worldly news has become so mundane & predictable to this intellectual mind, that they just seem to be a mere wastage of the precious resource called ‘Time’. It has been going fine till the other day when the dickens of these headlines raised its ugly head and I got a good taste of how misunderstanding can be given a good opportunity to play its game on you. ( Try reading these as a connected sentences ).

Celebrate the festive Spirit | Silver Lamps go missing in Temple | Sachin rules | A minor girl raped in Mumbai | V.Anand eyes big fish | Shakeela to act as Magdalene | Want help ?? | PM asks media to go global | Sale 50% off | Net profit for Bald & the Beautiful | US bombs wrong target in Iraq | Old people told to stay alert | Now Few farmers die due to suicide | Farmer run over by lorry | Forest VIP’s have a wild time | Secrets revealed | 10 year old suffocates under old clothes piles | 7 Indians get French awards | 113-year old women dies | Police more vigilant now | Burglars loot 5 houses | Police man shoots himself | Explosives recovered | Foreign brands flock to India | Pill to prevent heart stroke | For baby soft elbows & knees | Eat or be Eaten | Bomb erupted in Madurai | Pak gas fields stays shut | Ayurvedic capsule to cure gas troubles | Lalu in a new Avatar | Sonia steps in to pacify Lalu | Govinda and Mithun chocroborthy to act in a movie | Sensex takes a 112-point plunge | Paper shortage ?? | Ration cards put to good use |

There you go. I went bonkers after this newspaper reading session. Probably this is how Porky Pig & Elmerfud felt trying to understand Theory of Reletivity…

Keywords of 2005

Well it’s 24 days past the new year and contrary to all my wishes I haven’t grown taller or broader. Like any year 2005 promises to be a action packed 364 1/4 days, but there are certain key words which will ‘Iterate & Refine’ through this phase. Probably if you put in all the newspapers of the world into a word processing machine at the end of the year, these particular words will be the most popular and the most used in this year. These words are all related to the incidental causes of the unknown which is vastly thought of as the psychic powers of the mystical mind. They are to be treated as any other words and without any discrimination. They are words after all, they too have feelings. So before any further delay, I give you this -

Most -

1) Bush ( I’m referring to the both kinds !! just joking )
2) War against terrorism
3) AIDS
4) Parliament Walkouts.
5) China
6) Obituaries

Least -

1) Peace on Earth.
2) I’m least likely to hear about an easy going half-witted, jerk-off in Mars.
3) Hopefully
4) Victorious
5) Nature
6) Family planning

Well here they are, for all of you to watch and analyze. I know what all of you must be thinking, " what a lousy half-baked article !@#$ ". Well yes, I agree. You think of the most ugliest thing in the world and this article is uglier than that. Even Argus would look cute in comparison to this article!! This is a shit of an article and it is a disgrace to the entire fraternity of ‘ articalism ’. I think this article sets new standards or should I say re-defines the lowest possible standard you can think of to write the worst, most pathetic and the most senseless piece of crap you can think of. Articles aren’t and shouldn’t just be a collection of alphabets with no sense ( this is akin to the numerous politicians who meet up in the parliament to decide the country policies ). In both cases nothing productive turns out. Language and alphabets should be treated with divinity. They should be respected, and only then will they give you glory and satisfaction. I seriously pity that part of the brain of the writer who had such pathetic ideas, I think he’s diseased !! he ought to meet up with a psychiatrist and fix up his nuts… ( If he can find them that is)

Shhhhh !! A Moment of Silence... ( Humour )

As every one knows, I don't have sense of humor and I really am pathetic at it. But what the hell I'll give it a shot - As the death toll reaches 2 lakh in the tsunami tragedy, let us take a minute to honor those who have parted. ‘ A Moment of silence ‘ as it is called is used to honor the dead. Why in the name of any well bread, half-witted, mentally tangled numb nuts does it have to be ‘ A Moment of Silence ‘ ??
I mean, how about a minute of shouting to honor the dead. Just to spice things up. That should put the mourners in a good mood for the party, which is to be followed after ‘ The Honor code ‘. There is a second point which bothers me to no end. In any normal accident like the one we had a week ago, there end up far more casualties than the dead, then how about following a moment of muffled conversation to honor them. Why does it always have to be the dead?? Don’t we want to celebrate life ??
Any one agree with me ??

Dummies Guide to Identifing The New Year ( Subjective )

Well the new year's here !! By saying that I don't mean to personify ' The New Year ' and it hasn't actually come to me and wished me. But the simplest way to judge whether it's a new year or not is to check the following symptoms. They occur every year and is akin to a world-wide epidemic ( amazing the WHO officials haven't realised yet). This epidemic is more like a syndrome known as ' The-New-Year-once-in-a-year-syndrome ' where people all round the glode in every corner of the world ( this point actually irritates me, we all know the globe is a sphere and there are no corner's in a sphere. Then why in the name of neptune is the expression 'In all corner's of the world ' ?? ) instead of treating the disease actually celebrate it. Any way here are some point's to remember to identify the new year -

1) outside every house you see heaps of calenders thrown out.

2) if your wall calender says december 31, then the next day has to be new year.

3) a group of half-witted, silly numb nuts decide to make new year resolutions

4) if you include a bit of complexity into the process. measure the position of the Alpha Centuri stars with respect to the Earth's longitude and latitude on the 31st december of any year. exactly after the 364 1/4 days when the earth is on the same latitude and longitude you have your new year on that day. Simple isn't it !!

5) But if you ask me, we are encouraged always from the childhood to think differently and to expand your imagination and to let our thoughts reach the skies. Well in that case I wouldn't bother much about the new year. Live and Let Live, I don't bother the new year and it doesn't bother me....

Tsunami Debacle ( poetry )

Oh god what have you done,
it was a beautiful sunday,
and people looking forward for a Salami meal,
instead you gave them a Tsunami meal.

Oh god what have you done,
one moment it was land,
and the next it was water,
exponentially increasing the confusion levels of the normal person.

Oh god what have you done,
did they deserve all this,
they are all your children,
atleast you could have considered people who couldn't swim.

Oh god what have you done,
people were at the beach for a walk on a sunday with their families,
one instant they were hale and hearty,
and the next completely terminated much like the pogrom of nazis.

Oh god what have you done,
next time you plan to do something like this,
atleast warn us through Iris,
your trusted servant.

May god RIP the 10,000 odd soules that freed the Earth of their weight...

A Notice ...

From here on I'll be categorising my posts for the convenience of the reader. A humorous post will have a 'humour' written along with the title. So on and so forth. This should give the reader a clear idea as to what's going to hit them!!

The Great Indian Cricket Team !!

Well, what can I say. Only India can do this. Just a fortnight ago there was a serious talk about whether it's fair or not to allow teams like India play against minnows like Bangladesh. It would silence the critics after the thumping victory in the 2nd ODI.
In fact I would say that which ever team, whenever they want to feel good about themselves should definately play against India. They have the capability to make any team feel good about themselves. I would go to the extreme to say that our cricket team doesn't have that edge and the sting to finish it off. They have always been on the softer side of things. A very noble quality indeed, some might say. Any team after a series with India feel rejuvinated and on top of the world. That's just how a blade of grass feels under rain or a sunflower under the sun or better Pamela Anderson after a photo session. What say??

Swades - We the people

Just back from the new Shah Rukh Khan movie 'Swadesh'. The movie is a nice watch. In fact I would go as far as saying that it's a must watch for every Indian....

To Kiss or Not to

Weel for one thing I really appreciate, Hurrah to the new innovations in technology, may they flourish like the population of rats. There is a point of view that technology is being misused. well, the people who say this are all cynics. They are too cranky and all screwed up in the head to appreciate the wonders of new and innovative technology.
The recent scandal concerning the obscene kissing scene between the movie stars Kareena kapoor & Shaid kapoor is an apt example of this case. Well, critics call it misuse of technology. But then what else are you supposed to do with a camera/video phone?? Well you cannot stop people to not use their gadgets, so the best solution is - " Kareena, you should learn to keep where your tongue belongs, that's your mouth"...

Vulgarity or Sensuality ??

I came home after a break of almost 6 months. In this gap I hardly had a chance to watch television as I don't have one. Anyways I came home expecting a nice time in front of the 'Idiot box'. To my horror and discomfort I found most of the stuff that comes on television is nothing but a skin show. Let me be frank with you, I do like to watch it!! But then you are caught in an awkward moment when your mom or dad catches you ogling at those lovely heroins on screen. You sort of pretend as though the remote is not working, give it a good shake and make a helpless looking face and say "Damn! may be the batteries are out".
Anyways, what i'm trying to get at is that there is so much of this love, romance and mushy emotional shit in the serials and the movies that it actually motivates the eager and receptive minds to actually try it out. A recent case can be seen from this MMS Scandal. These kids have ruined their lives to say the least. This excessive portrayal of the love factor ( which definately involves the sex part ) churn the hormones and those desires. It is only human to want to try it out practically. Bollywood seems to have found it's latest passion- 'Romance'. The latest trend seems to be ' Romance replaces Violence '. Any movie worth its matter definately has this love element, which inevitably takes the viewer to Eldorado. As for me, I'm yet to devise ways to have a sneek-peek at those gorgeous females with plenty of oomph. Happy viewing!!

Hide & Seek - Newtonian Way

Long long ago, all the famous scientists decided to meet and celebrate their successes. Every type and genre of scientist were present. Their was Einstein, Newton, Mary Curie at al. Name a scientist and you have them their. All of them decided to play the game of hide and seek. After much debate Einstein was decided to be the seeker. He started counting till 100 and everyone was running hither and tither much like the leaves of a tree during a tornade session. Anyway everyone went for hiding except Newton. he just stood behind Einstein and made a square measuring 1m x 1m. After making the square on the ground, he stood inside it and waited for Einstein to finish the count. After finishing his count till 100, einstein turned and the following dialogue took
place -

Einstein - Hey Newton , You are the first One to be out. Thanks for making my life easy...

Newton - You are wrong Einstein. I'm not Out.

Einstein - You didn't hide and you are the first one to be spotted. that means you are out...

Newton - You are wrong again Einstein. i'm not out.

Einstein - ( now getting furious by the minute ) According to the rules of the game, You are out...

Newton - You are wrong again Einstein. I'm not out.

Einstein - ( Now fuming ) What's the matter with you, you numb nut !! you are out...

Newton - ( very sternly ) No, I'm not ...

Einstein - ( trying to regain his stability ) Tell me why you are not out??

Newtoon - Because I'm standing in a square of dimensions 1m x 1m . And Newton per meter square is
1 Pascal. So Pascal is out not me!!!

Morbid fear of ' Records '

I feel humans suffer from this morbid fear of the word 'Record'. That is why they keep celebrating its demise. People celebrate so as to keep alive the Human spirit. When cricket records tumbled in the India - Bangladesh series, we were ready to celebrate the longivity of human achievement. Or the fraility of the individual achievement. How Iconic !! I mean can we count these records which were broken against a side which are the so called 'third world cricket playing nations' ? Can we count centuries scored by tendulkar against minnows like Kenya, Holland, Bangladesh, U.A.E. In that sense the record of Sunil Gavaskar still stands. And also in that sense Gavaskar faced a lot tougher competetion compared to this Era.
In that case, Don Bradman should be declared the 'God of Cricket'. The records of both Sachin tendulkar & Sunil Gavaskar can still be surmountable, but the records of Don Bradman will stand the test of time. In fact the ICC should officialise a 'Bradman Scale'. Based on this scale, a cricketer's records and his achievements are judged. Something like Sachin = 3/4 Bradman. This is something similar to the Dollar Standard for Currency, since we are sure that Dollar will be stable and it can be used as an index. In the same sense, an Aussie scale can be used to judge the standard of a cricketing nation. But at present the Indian Cricket team is recharging itself with the 'Bangla Booster'. An energy gaining tour which will make them fell good about themselves as more records tumble. what say??

War & Peace

War & Peace hailed by many as one of the greatest works in English Literature has truly lived upto its expectation. This epic by Leo Tolestoy provides great insights into the way we look and perceive life. Through its 2 protagonists Prince Pierre Andrei Bolkonsky and Count Pierre Bezukhof , leo brings out the meaning of life, the purpose of our birth and other related questions. The language used is simply astounding,amazing!! Actually you can take the word excellent and multiply it ten-fold, that's how good the language is. For all you suspence and thriller lovers this book will be a mojor disappointment. In fact, I can go on record and say that they can't even go beyond the 50th page of this voluminous 700 page edition. For all I can say this book exudes a different flovour, which only a few can feel and appreciate.

The Next Take. . .

It's been october since my last post. i had been in hibernation for the past 2 months ( much like the frogs and the polar bears do). Whoever reads my post ( if at all there are people reading it!) my be wondering whether i'm dead or alive. Well, i'm alive !! I have been really really busy with as the elders call it ' making my life ' . My CAT exam for MBA admissions ended on a good note and the semesters have also bidded farewell. Anyways, it's the last semester of my engineering and now i have got's loads of time. hurrrrahhh. . .